Thursday, September 22, 2011
A Tough Decision
A tough decision
All night long i was thinking about what she said. I wanted to know God more but i wasn't willing to give my whole life to Him.
What if i fail? What if i sin again...
I thought that those who repented do not sin..
And so i had a battle in my mind..
And then i made my decision. And told her i wanna repent what should i do? She said i'll take you to a father and he would tell you (she was an armenian orthodox so was i).
And we got an appointment and went. When we were talking i asked him...what if i sin? I wanted to make sure about what was i getting myself into. I wanted to calculate and see the concequenses of my mistakes and all that.
He said: it's not about sinning and not sinning, it's about loving sin and doing it or hating sin and doing it because of our weaknesses.
And he quoted somewhere in the Bible where apostle Paul says he does what he does not want to do. (romans 7:15-18)
So after several minutes i told him i want to repent now. And he was like are you sure? I said yeah i wanna repent right now!
And he said that i need to repeat whatever he said and i need to do that by faith, i agreed. And he started to pray alone and as he was praying i could feel my whole body shaking my eyes were closed but i felt another force close them more and it was so dark, i felt fire entering inside me from my head and deep down inside my heart. I repeated what he said and after that all i was repeating inside me was ' i give you my heart Jesus i open my heart for you, do whatever you want i give u my whole life'.
The next day when i woke up i wasn't the same person anymore i was changed! I never had doubts anymore. I had a new way of thinking like i was blind and now i suddenly am seeing again. For the first time in my life i was in peace. I knew what it felt like to give your whole life to God and not worry about tomorrow.
I used to read the bible before, you know when i used to do my researches, but i didn't understand, but after my repentance my eyes were like seeing in 3D when i read it instantly it was clear to me. I didn't have to make effort to understand what it said. It was awesome! it was like i had these flakelike substances covering my eyes and and my mind, and now it was removed!!!
I started enjoying reading the Bible because everytime i read i discovered new things...
All night long i was thinking about what she said. I wanted to know God more but i wasn't willing to give my whole life to Him.
What if i fail? What if i sin again...
I thought that those who repented do not sin..
And so i had a battle in my mind..
And then i made my decision. And told her i wanna repent what should i do? She said i'll take you to a father and he would tell you (she was an armenian orthodox so was i).
And we got an appointment and went. When we were talking i asked him...what if i sin? I wanted to make sure about what was i getting myself into. I wanted to calculate and see the concequenses of my mistakes and all that.
He said: it's not about sinning and not sinning, it's about loving sin and doing it or hating sin and doing it because of our weaknesses.
And he quoted somewhere in the Bible where apostle Paul says he does what he does not want to do. (romans 7:15-18)
So after several minutes i told him i want to repent now. And he was like are you sure? I said yeah i wanna repent right now!
And he said that i need to repeat whatever he said and i need to do that by faith, i agreed. And he started to pray alone and as he was praying i could feel my whole body shaking my eyes were closed but i felt another force close them more and it was so dark, i felt fire entering inside me from my head and deep down inside my heart. I repeated what he said and after that all i was repeating inside me was ' i give you my heart Jesus i open my heart for you, do whatever you want i give u my whole life'.
The next day when i woke up i wasn't the same person anymore i was changed! I never had doubts anymore. I had a new way of thinking like i was blind and now i suddenly am seeing again. For the first time in my life i was in peace. I knew what it felt like to give your whole life to God and not worry about tomorrow.
I used to read the bible before, you know when i used to do my researches, but i didn't understand, but after my repentance my eyes were like seeing in 3D when i read it instantly it was clear to me. I didn't have to make effort to understand what it said. It was awesome! it was like i had these flakelike substances covering my eyes and and my mind, and now it was removed!!!
I started enjoying reading the Bible because everytime i read i discovered new things...
who i was...
Who i was...
I was a child born in a family where we were not rich and we were not that poor either. but we had our fights against life.
I was so lazy at school i didn't know the conequences of my laziness until after everything was done.
We didn't have a place of our own we used to rent, after the war in Lebanon because our home was bombed so we didn't have a place to stay. My father even built a wood house which was only one room and a small toilet. We lived there for 3 years until we moved to a normal house.
I grew up and i wasn't good in my studies so i left school when i reached the 9th grade.
I started working in a supermarket from 8 to 8 for 300$ i only had sunday afternoons off. And this was i guess in 2004 and that was the year my grandfather died. But 3 days before his death i had a dream..
" i was in a place so dark and i saw a half statue of Jesus, in my mind i said ' it's gonna move' and it did. it started smiling a filthy smile and then started to laugh like he was mocking me, so he got up from the statue and was running after me, and there were like buildings that were under construction so i started climbing on the metals that hold the buildings, but no matter how fast i went or how high i got he would be behind me and suddenly my feet slipped and i was about to fall and i felt like i'm gonna die right there so i was screaming and crying ' i don't wanna die' and i woke up tears on my cheeks, hearing myself crying out loud 'i don't wanna die' that dream changed my life i started questioning about God's existance and life's purpose i felt suddenly my life had no meaning anymore and all i could think about was death. and when my grandfather died after 3 days my uncertainty began eating me inside out i no longer laughed no longer cared about anything because what is the purpose if we all gonna live and then die. i became atheist somehow and i had atheist friends at that time i was also influenced by them and felt that they asked logical questions.
And after a while i left the supermarket and started to work in another supermarket.
But i had several dreams after that. an angel would tell me why don't i believe in them and a group of saints would tell me to return to them. But all were in vain my heart was more than a rock at that time. i told myself that because i was thinking a lot about these things that i dreamt about them.
There i met a person who used to work in 'white magic' and his daughter used to tell me about the things that used to happen in their house i thought it was cool then, it was something new to me i was 18 years old. And another person who had evil spirits do bad stuff to him so i started believing in spirits, thinking why would he lie and what would he gain if he told me lies.
So at this point i was convinced and sure that there are evil spirits that do bad stuff and that idea rose this theory inside me 'if there are evil spirits then there are good spirits too' if there is Satan then there is Jesus too. So i started doing my researches in this way, the way that there are evidences of the presence of evil spirits and i couldn't deny it. And the more i asked people the more positive answers i got.
there was this girl who worked in the same market with me she started telling me about Jesus and she told me about everything that happened with her when she encountered the presence of God, how His presence would let her feel on her body arms and especially in her heart. and told me that Jesus died and rose for me and the only way to accept that was to give myself to Him and repent and i will have the gift of the Holy Spirit.
I was a child born in a family where we were not rich and we were not that poor either. but we had our fights against life.
I was so lazy at school i didn't know the conequences of my laziness until after everything was done.
We didn't have a place of our own we used to rent, after the war in Lebanon because our home was bombed so we didn't have a place to stay. My father even built a wood house which was only one room and a small toilet. We lived there for 3 years until we moved to a normal house.
I grew up and i wasn't good in my studies so i left school when i reached the 9th grade.
I started working in a supermarket from 8 to 8 for 300$ i only had sunday afternoons off. And this was i guess in 2004 and that was the year my grandfather died. But 3 days before his death i had a dream..
" i was in a place so dark and i saw a half statue of Jesus, in my mind i said ' it's gonna move' and it did. it started smiling a filthy smile and then started to laugh like he was mocking me, so he got up from the statue and was running after me, and there were like buildings that were under construction so i started climbing on the metals that hold the buildings, but no matter how fast i went or how high i got he would be behind me and suddenly my feet slipped and i was about to fall and i felt like i'm gonna die right there so i was screaming and crying ' i don't wanna die' and i woke up tears on my cheeks, hearing myself crying out loud 'i don't wanna die' that dream changed my life i started questioning about God's existance and life's purpose i felt suddenly my life had no meaning anymore and all i could think about was death. and when my grandfather died after 3 days my uncertainty began eating me inside out i no longer laughed no longer cared about anything because what is the purpose if we all gonna live and then die. i became atheist somehow and i had atheist friends at that time i was also influenced by them and felt that they asked logical questions.
And after a while i left the supermarket and started to work in another supermarket.
But i had several dreams after that. an angel would tell me why don't i believe in them and a group of saints would tell me to return to them. But all were in vain my heart was more than a rock at that time. i told myself that because i was thinking a lot about these things that i dreamt about them.
There i met a person who used to work in 'white magic' and his daughter used to tell me about the things that used to happen in their house i thought it was cool then, it was something new to me i was 18 years old. And another person who had evil spirits do bad stuff to him so i started believing in spirits, thinking why would he lie and what would he gain if he told me lies.
So at this point i was convinced and sure that there are evil spirits that do bad stuff and that idea rose this theory inside me 'if there are evil spirits then there are good spirits too' if there is Satan then there is Jesus too. So i started doing my researches in this way, the way that there are evidences of the presence of evil spirits and i couldn't deny it. And the more i asked people the more positive answers i got.
there was this girl who worked in the same market with me she started telling me about Jesus and she told me about everything that happened with her when she encountered the presence of God, how His presence would let her feel on her body arms and especially in her heart. and told me that Jesus died and rose for me and the only way to accept that was to give myself to Him and repent and i will have the gift of the Holy Spirit.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The voice calls
I am faced by the truth
That shakes every being
I’m faced by the
sacred crimson blood
All around me is dark
Feelings drowning me
But i still hear this voice
that echoes through the night
I fail to listen
Keep on with my pace
Thorns scratching my feet
Darkness defeating my senses
Emptiness now in my heart
I focus on my destination
Which i never see
Life slowly running out of me
On my way i get hold of things
Thought they could be necessary for my journey
Soon i get rid of them
For they’re just weight
i carried them for this long
And still a voice echoes in the night
Though i go deep into the unknown
The same voice keeps echoing through the dense shadows
Though i keep going
My mind still wanders
What is this voice that makes me tremble
What is it that makes me kneel down
Tired of the journey
Tired of the wounds that pour out blood
The wounds i get on my skin penetrate deeply into my heart
And i still hear this voice I kept denying all this time
As I stop and turn back and look at where i was and see that i am right there
Right where i began
All this while I’ve been
Walking, running, bleeding, falling in the same spot
And I still hear the voice and i scream to it
Why haven't u told me i was here all these years
why didn't u tell me to stop
As i keep screaming and wishing the end of my life
The voice whispers now as if to my heart
into the deepest parts of my soul
Says i tried to but u never listened
I never seized to take the chance to tell u
I screamed…tortured by your pain
But i care not for here u are now
Here u are again
Knowing the truth,
Now would u take my hand
And let me lead u all the way
To the shores of happiness
On the tides of joy
I give Him my word and He takes my hand
And suddenly a blinding light appears
overwhelming senses cover me
The joy of the promise imprints on my heart
I look at my wounds which heal by His touch
I hold onto His hand with all my strength
Ready to continue this journey by a guide
Who already knows the way
is the way
I didn't need to ask for His name for I would surely call Him my savior
A name above all names...
That shakes every being
I’m faced by the
sacred crimson blood
All around me is dark
Feelings drowning me
But i still hear this voice
that echoes through the night
I fail to listen
Keep on with my pace
Thorns scratching my feet
Darkness defeating my senses
Emptiness now in my heart
I focus on my destination
Which i never see
Life slowly running out of me
On my way i get hold of things
Thought they could be necessary for my journey
Soon i get rid of them
For they’re just weight
i carried them for this long
And still a voice echoes in the night
Though i go deep into the unknown
The same voice keeps echoing through the dense shadows
Though i keep going
My mind still wanders
What is this voice that makes me tremble
What is it that makes me kneel down
Tired of the journey
Tired of the wounds that pour out blood
The wounds i get on my skin penetrate deeply into my heart
And i still hear this voice I kept denying all this time
As I stop and turn back and look at where i was and see that i am right there
Right where i began
All this while I’ve been
Walking, running, bleeding, falling in the same spot
And I still hear the voice and i scream to it
Why haven't u told me i was here all these years
why didn't u tell me to stop
As i keep screaming and wishing the end of my life
The voice whispers now as if to my heart
into the deepest parts of my soul
Says i tried to but u never listened
I never seized to take the chance to tell u
I screamed…tortured by your pain
But i care not for here u are now
Here u are again
Knowing the truth,
Now would u take my hand
And let me lead u all the way
To the shores of happiness
On the tides of joy
I give Him my word and He takes my hand
And suddenly a blinding light appears
overwhelming senses cover me
The joy of the promise imprints on my heart
I look at my wounds which heal by His touch
I hold onto His hand with all my strength
Ready to continue this journey by a guide
Who already knows the way
is the way
I didn't need to ask for His name for I would surely call Him my savior
A name above all names...
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